Thursday, December 2, 2010

Loving your "enemy" is all about perspective

Sometimes, I despise my gift: One of my therapist's had told me that my "radar of empathy" is both a curse and a blessing. I did not understand the magnitude of her words at that point. However, I have over the last 18 months begun to really see and understand what she meant.

Watching my husband in and out of the court room has made me sick, literally. I have physically felt the stress that he goes through one's body. I have felt his anger and disgust. I have also added my own. I have felt his sadness and hurt when he is refused basic rights by a bitter ex. I can see and feel his love for his child when they spend a few precious moments together. It's at times like these that I most enjoy my radar, but right now the radar has me, well..feeling confused.

I've had the opportunity to be exposed to a woman who has, despite my disdain for her, become my greatest teacher. With her help, I have learned to make my highly sensitive intuition into a machine that is well-oiled, alert, and aware. Over the last 18 months, I have seen her hatred grow and intensify. I have seen her jealousy magnify over the last 4 months. I have experienced her fatigue and seen how it impacts her ability to think and act rationally. I have seen her need for control and felt how inadequate and insecure she must feel deep inside. Along the same lines, I have seen her push and push and push to help compensate for a "problem" that cannot be solved. Most of what I have felt and seen from her is anger and hate. But I recognize that hate and anger are only manifestations of her deep rooted emotions that she dares not free.

I can remember days and nights where I would imagine myself in various scenarios "telling her off". I spent days brainstorming with myself and my closest friends and family in trying to "understand " her. I spent nights consoling my husband over failed attempts to see his child. I spent nights soothing his rage at this woman's inflexibility, irrationality, and decision to hurt the one person they both care about.

The greatest lesson I'd worked on was "caging" her & her negativity all the while hoping that the "mirrors" within the cage would reflect her nastiness: catalyzing change. I can remember the frustration I felt when I first started this exercise. It lasted weeks. But, somehow throughout this whole process I felt my heart begin to soften.

I began to feel pity and sorrow for a woman I at one time could only feel anger for. I began to notice that I could understand her pain and struggle, but it in no means validated her decision to hurt other people; especially a child. I began to see beyond her anger that was directed towards my husband as her own self-loathing: that she hated herself so much that projecting it onto someone else made it easier to deal with. I began to see her jealousy over his remarriage as her not being good enough and of loneliness. I began to see that the anger associated with this jealousy was because she couldn't understand why "he" wouldn't want to make it work with "me"? I could understand how she might feel rejected, even though their marriage was far from good.

Again, this does not excuse her behavior. I merely am accepting that these things maybe a reality for her. So I imagined myself asking her: "Why are you acting like this then? Would it be so bad to admit that you are feeling this way? Why are you afraid to be weak? Vulnerable?" I'd like to do nothing more than hug her and accept her and tell her its OK to be vulnerable.

Having to accept these emotions she projected onto us was difficult. I consider it a life-long process; not just with her but with everyone. However, the most recent news has me at a whole new level. She sent a three lined paragraph to my husband which basically said that her mother had passed away and that she would respond later to the email. My immediate reactions went like this:

1) I watched my husband's response, "Babe, read this email." Facial expressions: uncertain, confused, was he smirking? I couldn't tell. I assumed it was bad news or more verbal assaults so he had to laugh it off, as we usually do.

2) I read the email: My response, "Oh wow. That must be awful. Her grandmother died earlier this year too"

3) I handed the smarten back, looked at my husband and said, "I'll send her a card" to which he gave me a very confused look.

I felt so much sorrow and pain for her. I can appreciate my husband's confusion and questions about why I wanted to send a card, especially for someone who has treated me as though I have never existed, who is vindictive to a parent to their child, and who actively works to destroy a child's relationship with his dad.

But, I felt so sad for her. That's it. I felt her pain. I imagined how I would feel if my mother died. I imagined how it would impact my family, my sister, my relationships...and my heart felt a deep anguish. I felt love for her. I never in my entire life have wanted to reach out to someone so much and give them my love then I do now.

I ask myself why? Why would you want to love a person who's soul is black? Why would you want to love a person who has no intention of loving you back, who only loves what she wants in the odd way that she does? Why put yourself in this position? The truth is that I can understand her as a human being. I may not like the decisions she makes, I may not like her as a mother or as a parent, I know that I do not like the way she talks about my husband or me. But what I can appreciate is her humanity.

It reminded me that while I may think she has some psychological issues that impede her ability to really Love, I can appreciate that struggle. It reminded me that often times we hate that which we do not understand, thereby closing ourselves off. I reminded me that LOVING THY ENEMY is taboo in our culture It reminded me that LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE. That loving is loving. And in order to know hate one must know love...especially if its for an enemy. Otherwise, it just makes you look ignorant. (Im starting to wonder if Hate is even real? What is it really? Different blog, different time.)

It has also reminded me that life really is a gift and its not to be squandered. As young children we bounce through life imagining that we are invincible, supreme and that we wont get hurt. As time and age makes us wiser, we understand how that idea was just a fantasy. We remember how hurt we can get from heart break, from lost jobs, from children screaming about their own pain, and the loss of loved ones (however that may look). It reminded me that life is so precious. That it really isn't worth going through angry. Sadness and joy will come. I feel that focusing on the happy time will improve our daily lives. Is it screwed up that my dog tried to pull me off my bicycle while chasing a squirrel? Yes. But is it hilarious at the same time? Heck yes!

Learning to love my "enemy," if that's what we are, has been the greatest challenge of my life. But it shouldn't be. After all, we're all human. I have things she can learn from. And I know that she has taught me. I can appreciate that. So am I really loving an "enemy" or is it about loving another human being who is struggling? I'd bet the town that its about the latter one. Even wrapping your mind around the idea of "loving your enemy" is hard. But wrapping your mind around the idea that you are loving another human being who is flawed, selfish, in pain and struggling just like you, is much easier.

I do not know what this pain, this extreme and sudden loss will change for her. If anything. But what I can say is that through this loss, she has taught me to open my heart to her more. I have learned with her help that she is not my enemy, just a person struggling; a person making bad decisions because of the rage she is blinded by; a person who shys away from Love, because of fear that it will make her look weak; a person who is afraid of failure, just like all of us; a person who is so wrapped up in her chaos that she cannot see any light beyond it; I love her because I know what it's like to feel those things. I love her because without my love, she may never know the love she can have. I love her because she brought my stepson into this world. I love her because I choose to. Simply put, I love her because she is human, just like me.

Virgil said it best, "Love Conquers all things, let us too surrender to Love" - Whether she surrenders or not, I offer it. That makes my heart and soul jump for joy. After all, we're all in THIS together.

Followers