Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving and its blessings

This holiday weekend provides us with a chance to sit and think about that which we are thankful for. It is a time of year in which I feel the most compelled to share my love and appreciation to those who are in my life. There are many people that I am thankful for:

My mom: who is ongoing selflessness and courage continues to impress me. She remains the epitome of strength, determination, motherhood, friendship, and love. She continues to be the angel for my family, even in the face of adversity. She musters up the strength to carry on. She really is amazing and deserves this gratitude the most out of any human I know. I am thankful that she is a guiding light. I am thankful for all the tough life lessons she has shared with me, no matter how much I hated it at the time. I am thankful for her honesty. I am thankful for her ability to "let it be" so that I could learn on my own. I am thankful for her listening ear. I am thankful for her companionship. I am thankful that she takes on the "thankless" jobs. I am thankful that she is my mom and not someone elses. I am thankful for her love.

My sister: who despite circumstances that are beyond her control or liking, continues to demonstrate perseverance for the greater cause. She continues to show the world her smile even though times are hard. I am thankful for her cheer. I am thankful for her contagious smile that can make me feel better with just one look. I am thankful for Giggle Fits. I am thankful for her love of life. I am thankful for her ability to confront me when I am wrong, and to do so with couth and love. I am thankful that she is my twin in so many ways and yet different enough to drive me insane. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful that I can call her "sister"

My cousin, Lisa: who has been my guardian angel and shouldered devil all at the same time. I recall younger years when she and I weren't close. I recall feeling disconnected to her but as she matured into a woman our relationship changed. I saw her in a different light. I learned about her. I saw the Shadow that had followed her and her hatred of it. I saw her choice to move beyond that Shadow, even though it still lingers. I learned about her willingness and desire to not be held down by the standards that was she held to. I constantly see her battle with her own demons and the demons of a larger society. I remain amazed at how amazingly she pushes through. She is an inspiration. I am thankful for her insight as it has saved my life time and time again. I am thankful for her wit and charm as it has reminded me of my own. I am thankful for her maturity in other realms of life, as she has remained my closest confidant, tutor, and friend. I am thankful that she understands me, almost better than I understand myself. I am thankful that she mirrors me in so many ways.

My grandparents: who's unending, unconditional love have been a force to combat even the most negative of life experiences. I remember that some of my most cherished memories were spent at their home: every weekend from the time I was 6 until I was 13, where I learned about responsibilities, boundaries, God, and life, Easter Basket hunting, Swimming with loved ones, sleeping in front of Fans during Summer. All Great memories. I see in my grandparents 58 years of Love and Commitment. I am thankful that they can be a model for me. I am thankful for their generosity, as it has kept my family alive and in a home most of my life. I am thankful for their brutal honesty. I am thankful that their love as it continues to get me through the day. I am thankful that they are healthy enough to have seen me grow up, graduate from colleges, and to witness my adult life beginning. I am thankful that they love their family as deeply as they do.

My cousin, Roxanne: who's re-integration into my life has opened up numerous doors for Spiritual and Universal growth. She has opened my eyes to various aspects of life, aspects that I had long buried and forgotten about. She helped unearth my desires, my longings, and truths. She assisted in my redefinition of the "Self" in which I am constantly changing. I am thankful for her knowledge. I am thankful for her insight. I am thankful for her unique perspective on the struggles I go through. I am thankful for her listening ear, open heart, and healing words, as they have sometimes been the only thing that has kept me hanging on during turbulent times. She remains my Mustang Spirit, my Healing Shaman, my purveyor of knowledge, my Light in the Tunnel.

My stepson: who's uncanny strength in extreme situations is beyond admirable. His life is surrounded with constant challenges, some real and some created unnecessarily for him. I am blown away at how he works through hate to come to a place of love. He disappears for a moment or more but always manages to hang on the the life preserver. He has taught me a lot about love, hate, anger, loss, sadness, frustration, helplessness and confusion. He is my inspiration and driving force. He is my motivator to change that which needs changing. I am thankful for every opportunity that we have together. I am thankful for a boy who loves his daddy even though he is told not to. I am thankful that he loves me even though he's told not to. I am thankful that he remembers the depths of our love. I am thankful for his genuine laugh that lifts my spirits to newer heights each time. I am thankful for his company as there is hardly ever a dull moment. I am thankful for his humor as he sees and experiences life in a different way than most of us. I am thankful for every kiss and every hug. I am thankful for the simple signs of love and the great verbalization's of "I love you."

My husband: who is my world. I cannot say enough about this man. I remember the first time I met him. I remember the first conversation we shared. I remember hearing about his past, his unfortunate luck in relationships, and deep love for his family and children. I remember feeling love for him. He is all my reason to stay motivated. If his son is my motivational fire, my husband is the furnace that keeps the motivation moving strong. I see and live everyday with his struggles. I see him battle and battle and lament over circumstances that are far beyond his control. I see and hear his pain when he become a victim time and time again to words of hate spurned from a black soul. I witness his frustration and let down by a system that is corrupt, overburdened, and in need of overhaul. His patience, love, courage, and bravery never cease to amaze me. I am thankful for his love. I am thankful for having learned more about love through his eyes. I am thankful for his tenacity that often times gets him no where. I am thankful for his endearing love. I am thankful for his kindness. I am thankful for his gifts and knowledge. I am thankful for all that he is. I am thankful for being the recipient of his love. I am thankful that he selected me from all of the fish in the sea.

I suppose gratitude and being thankful are things that are often forgotten about in our hectic society. Too often we breeze through life not actually realizing how we are living in it. I think about the countless number of times I've opened doors for people and not once heard a thank you. I think of times I have seen others do the same thing. I think about times that customers of my husband's never say thank you for the hours of work he has done to remedy their car problems. I think about parents who are rarely thanked by their children, who for some reason or another believe they are entitled to the things they get. I know we also forget to thank ourselves for all the hard work we do: with our jobs, with our families, with our children, for ourselves. So thank you. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a genuine, heart felt "Thank you"

What would the world be like if we all slowed down, showed appreciation and gratitude for our fellow Man, and genuinely loved from the heart. Now that is a thought worth being Thankful for.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Disappointment

I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in individuals with whom I believe can be more than they actually try to be.

One of these individuals with whom I am very close with I see struggle with love. Struggling with understanding what to do when love's definition changes and how that change in definition will impact the reality that has been forged. I find myself frustrated but mostly saddened by this individual. I witness within their relationship, myself: I see my history, my angst, and relive the turbulent roller coaster ride through their words. What saddens me most, fairly recently, was an odd request. It was requested that I not burst the imaginary reality that was created with my terse and unwelcome personal opinion. I respect that my opinion may not be welcomed, let alone when one does not want to hear the Truth. What hurt most was the request to buy into the imagined reality that the relationship is "Good" that there is "nothing" wrong on the surface. I pains me to see the suffering, the tears, the despair. It wrenches my heart each time I hear the sniffles and stifled sobbing. Yet, out of "respect" I continue to keep my mouth shut. Why? Am I no better than everyone else who actually buys the crap? Or am I respectful and tolerant?

I find myself disappointed in various family members who are selfish. Who do not have a single iota of compassion to care for their ailing parents...Rather, they'd prefer to care for a sick dog who isnt even theirs to begin with. I find myself disappointed in the judgment that is cast upon my decision to marry whom I did. I keep asking myself...Why do you even care? They are NO ONE to you? Yet, I still do. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for caring so much about my family.

The main individual I am most disappointed in, is a mother. A mother to my stepson. A woman who I whole-heartedly believe, has the capacity to do good and be a good person. Or perhaps its my belief that all people are good. Or maybe Im just a cynic. Whatever I may be, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that this woman will go to, to deny her child meaningful access to his dad. It has been a very long road and I will not recount the immense past that my husband and his co-parenting partner have had. No. What I am going to share is the current struggles and the path to, what I am calling, "ENLIGHTENMENT".

Since my stepson live 2400 miles away, we thought it would be prudent to have Skype as a form of communication and the court thought so too. So, we have been trying to set this Skype up with this woman since May 2010. Now, what baffles me is the ability to say NO. No, we dont have a webcam, No we dont have internet, No, the webcam you bought doesn't work with my computer, No I will not update my software so that the webcam can work, No I will not buy the software through amazon or ebay to update the computer so that the webcam will work, No I will not allow our son to Skype on my "borrowed" laptop because it is "borrowed"...and the list continues on. Now my husband and I are lucky if the idea of SKYPE is even acknowledged.

Anyways, today it was brought to our attention that this woman has and continues to lie. We discovered that it is well within her ability to allow the child access to Skype via a desktop computer. Originally we were told that the computer she owned was a Mac Mini with a Daewoo Monitor. Come to find out the real truth is that she owns a BRAND SPANKIN' New iMAC with a beautiful 21.5" screen with BUILT-In iSight and microphone. I just about hit the roof when we learned this. And maybe you're wondering, who cares??

Well, this isnt the only thing that has been done to sabotage our connection the child. Like I said, this entry is about disappointment...and yes that is what I am.

Disappointed: In a woman who calls herself a woman of faith, in a woman who considers herself a role-model to children as she is a teacher, in a woman who considers herself the epitome of motherhood despite her obvious efforts of 10+ years to destroy a loving relationship with a father, in a woman who considers herself "tolerant" even though she demonstrates a lack of empathy with no shred of compassion, in a woman who purports to be competent but lacks the self-esteem to make any decision without first running it by her mommy, daddy, or lawyer, in a woman who within her soul has the potential for greatness but has decided to turn her energy over to a dark force.

Im angry...

And yet, I feel pity for her. I feel so sad for her. I wish that I could go up to her and hug her and shake her and say "WAKE UP! DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOURE DOING?" But then again, she'd have to come to grips with the reality that YES...I actually DO EXIST in your child's life. I want nothing more than for this child to have a relationship with everyone who matters. After all, more people means more love for the child. Why put yourself, your own HATE for your ex-husband before your child's inalienable RIGHT to have a loving parent? What I think I find most sad, most disappointing is that this woman goes to bed each and every night believing that they way she navigates through the world is "right."

I believe that she has the capacity to love. Yes, that means LOVING your ex-spouse because he/she is a part of your child that cannot be dissociated. Learning to LOVE your ex's new spouse because they will be a part of your life and your child's life. Learning to LOVE your child by encouraging your child to have a fruitful, meaningful, loving relationship with their parent. Learning to LOVE yourself enough to know you DONT NEED your CHILD to take care of your emotional needs. Learning to LOVE because, as the Beatles said, "Love is all you need."

What a fantasy. I wish I had a magic wand or at least a fairy godmother...

Maybe I ought to reconsider my expectations...

I can't. I know and believe that people have the ability to create a better life, sometimes, we just ignore the opportunities to do so.

Followers