Thursday, December 2, 2010

Loving your "enemy" is all about perspective

Sometimes, I despise my gift: One of my therapist's had told me that my "radar of empathy" is both a curse and a blessing. I did not understand the magnitude of her words at that point. However, I have over the last 18 months begun to really see and understand what she meant.

Watching my husband in and out of the court room has made me sick, literally. I have physically felt the stress that he goes through one's body. I have felt his anger and disgust. I have also added my own. I have felt his sadness and hurt when he is refused basic rights by a bitter ex. I can see and feel his love for his child when they spend a few precious moments together. It's at times like these that I most enjoy my radar, but right now the radar has me, well..feeling confused.

I've had the opportunity to be exposed to a woman who has, despite my disdain for her, become my greatest teacher. With her help, I have learned to make my highly sensitive intuition into a machine that is well-oiled, alert, and aware. Over the last 18 months, I have seen her hatred grow and intensify. I have seen her jealousy magnify over the last 4 months. I have experienced her fatigue and seen how it impacts her ability to think and act rationally. I have seen her need for control and felt how inadequate and insecure she must feel deep inside. Along the same lines, I have seen her push and push and push to help compensate for a "problem" that cannot be solved. Most of what I have felt and seen from her is anger and hate. But I recognize that hate and anger are only manifestations of her deep rooted emotions that she dares not free.

I can remember days and nights where I would imagine myself in various scenarios "telling her off". I spent days brainstorming with myself and my closest friends and family in trying to "understand " her. I spent nights consoling my husband over failed attempts to see his child. I spent nights soothing his rage at this woman's inflexibility, irrationality, and decision to hurt the one person they both care about.

The greatest lesson I'd worked on was "caging" her & her negativity all the while hoping that the "mirrors" within the cage would reflect her nastiness: catalyzing change. I can remember the frustration I felt when I first started this exercise. It lasted weeks. But, somehow throughout this whole process I felt my heart begin to soften.

I began to feel pity and sorrow for a woman I at one time could only feel anger for. I began to notice that I could understand her pain and struggle, but it in no means validated her decision to hurt other people; especially a child. I began to see beyond her anger that was directed towards my husband as her own self-loathing: that she hated herself so much that projecting it onto someone else made it easier to deal with. I began to see her jealousy over his remarriage as her not being good enough and of loneliness. I began to see that the anger associated with this jealousy was because she couldn't understand why "he" wouldn't want to make it work with "me"? I could understand how she might feel rejected, even though their marriage was far from good.

Again, this does not excuse her behavior. I merely am accepting that these things maybe a reality for her. So I imagined myself asking her: "Why are you acting like this then? Would it be so bad to admit that you are feeling this way? Why are you afraid to be weak? Vulnerable?" I'd like to do nothing more than hug her and accept her and tell her its OK to be vulnerable.

Having to accept these emotions she projected onto us was difficult. I consider it a life-long process; not just with her but with everyone. However, the most recent news has me at a whole new level. She sent a three lined paragraph to my husband which basically said that her mother had passed away and that she would respond later to the email. My immediate reactions went like this:

1) I watched my husband's response, "Babe, read this email." Facial expressions: uncertain, confused, was he smirking? I couldn't tell. I assumed it was bad news or more verbal assaults so he had to laugh it off, as we usually do.

2) I read the email: My response, "Oh wow. That must be awful. Her grandmother died earlier this year too"

3) I handed the smarten back, looked at my husband and said, "I'll send her a card" to which he gave me a very confused look.

I felt so much sorrow and pain for her. I can appreciate my husband's confusion and questions about why I wanted to send a card, especially for someone who has treated me as though I have never existed, who is vindictive to a parent to their child, and who actively works to destroy a child's relationship with his dad.

But, I felt so sad for her. That's it. I felt her pain. I imagined how I would feel if my mother died. I imagined how it would impact my family, my sister, my relationships...and my heart felt a deep anguish. I felt love for her. I never in my entire life have wanted to reach out to someone so much and give them my love then I do now.

I ask myself why? Why would you want to love a person who's soul is black? Why would you want to love a person who has no intention of loving you back, who only loves what she wants in the odd way that she does? Why put yourself in this position? The truth is that I can understand her as a human being. I may not like the decisions she makes, I may not like her as a mother or as a parent, I know that I do not like the way she talks about my husband or me. But what I can appreciate is her humanity.

It reminded me that while I may think she has some psychological issues that impede her ability to really Love, I can appreciate that struggle. It reminded me that often times we hate that which we do not understand, thereby closing ourselves off. I reminded me that LOVING THY ENEMY is taboo in our culture It reminded me that LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE. That loving is loving. And in order to know hate one must know love...especially if its for an enemy. Otherwise, it just makes you look ignorant. (Im starting to wonder if Hate is even real? What is it really? Different blog, different time.)

It has also reminded me that life really is a gift and its not to be squandered. As young children we bounce through life imagining that we are invincible, supreme and that we wont get hurt. As time and age makes us wiser, we understand how that idea was just a fantasy. We remember how hurt we can get from heart break, from lost jobs, from children screaming about their own pain, and the loss of loved ones (however that may look). It reminded me that life is so precious. That it really isn't worth going through angry. Sadness and joy will come. I feel that focusing on the happy time will improve our daily lives. Is it screwed up that my dog tried to pull me off my bicycle while chasing a squirrel? Yes. But is it hilarious at the same time? Heck yes!

Learning to love my "enemy," if that's what we are, has been the greatest challenge of my life. But it shouldn't be. After all, we're all human. I have things she can learn from. And I know that she has taught me. I can appreciate that. So am I really loving an "enemy" or is it about loving another human being who is struggling? I'd bet the town that its about the latter one. Even wrapping your mind around the idea of "loving your enemy" is hard. But wrapping your mind around the idea that you are loving another human being who is flawed, selfish, in pain and struggling just like you, is much easier.

I do not know what this pain, this extreme and sudden loss will change for her. If anything. But what I can say is that through this loss, she has taught me to open my heart to her more. I have learned with her help that she is not my enemy, just a person struggling; a person making bad decisions because of the rage she is blinded by; a person who shys away from Love, because of fear that it will make her look weak; a person who is afraid of failure, just like all of us; a person who is so wrapped up in her chaos that she cannot see any light beyond it; I love her because I know what it's like to feel those things. I love her because without my love, she may never know the love she can have. I love her because she brought my stepson into this world. I love her because I choose to. Simply put, I love her because she is human, just like me.

Virgil said it best, "Love Conquers all things, let us too surrender to Love" - Whether she surrenders or not, I offer it. That makes my heart and soul jump for joy. After all, we're all in THIS together.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Thanksgiving and its blessings

This holiday weekend provides us with a chance to sit and think about that which we are thankful for. It is a time of year in which I feel the most compelled to share my love and appreciation to those who are in my life. There are many people that I am thankful for:

My mom: who is ongoing selflessness and courage continues to impress me. She remains the epitome of strength, determination, motherhood, friendship, and love. She continues to be the angel for my family, even in the face of adversity. She musters up the strength to carry on. She really is amazing and deserves this gratitude the most out of any human I know. I am thankful that she is a guiding light. I am thankful for all the tough life lessons she has shared with me, no matter how much I hated it at the time. I am thankful for her honesty. I am thankful for her ability to "let it be" so that I could learn on my own. I am thankful for her listening ear. I am thankful for her companionship. I am thankful that she takes on the "thankless" jobs. I am thankful that she is my mom and not someone elses. I am thankful for her love.

My sister: who despite circumstances that are beyond her control or liking, continues to demonstrate perseverance for the greater cause. She continues to show the world her smile even though times are hard. I am thankful for her cheer. I am thankful for her contagious smile that can make me feel better with just one look. I am thankful for Giggle Fits. I am thankful for her love of life. I am thankful for her ability to confront me when I am wrong, and to do so with couth and love. I am thankful that she is my twin in so many ways and yet different enough to drive me insane. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful that I can call her "sister"

My cousin, Lisa: who has been my guardian angel and shouldered devil all at the same time. I recall younger years when she and I weren't close. I recall feeling disconnected to her but as she matured into a woman our relationship changed. I saw her in a different light. I learned about her. I saw the Shadow that had followed her and her hatred of it. I saw her choice to move beyond that Shadow, even though it still lingers. I learned about her willingness and desire to not be held down by the standards that was she held to. I constantly see her battle with her own demons and the demons of a larger society. I remain amazed at how amazingly she pushes through. She is an inspiration. I am thankful for her insight as it has saved my life time and time again. I am thankful for her wit and charm as it has reminded me of my own. I am thankful for her maturity in other realms of life, as she has remained my closest confidant, tutor, and friend. I am thankful that she understands me, almost better than I understand myself. I am thankful that she mirrors me in so many ways.

My grandparents: who's unending, unconditional love have been a force to combat even the most negative of life experiences. I remember that some of my most cherished memories were spent at their home: every weekend from the time I was 6 until I was 13, where I learned about responsibilities, boundaries, God, and life, Easter Basket hunting, Swimming with loved ones, sleeping in front of Fans during Summer. All Great memories. I see in my grandparents 58 years of Love and Commitment. I am thankful that they can be a model for me. I am thankful for their generosity, as it has kept my family alive and in a home most of my life. I am thankful for their brutal honesty. I am thankful that their love as it continues to get me through the day. I am thankful that they are healthy enough to have seen me grow up, graduate from colleges, and to witness my adult life beginning. I am thankful that they love their family as deeply as they do.

My cousin, Roxanne: who's re-integration into my life has opened up numerous doors for Spiritual and Universal growth. She has opened my eyes to various aspects of life, aspects that I had long buried and forgotten about. She helped unearth my desires, my longings, and truths. She assisted in my redefinition of the "Self" in which I am constantly changing. I am thankful for her knowledge. I am thankful for her insight. I am thankful for her unique perspective on the struggles I go through. I am thankful for her listening ear, open heart, and healing words, as they have sometimes been the only thing that has kept me hanging on during turbulent times. She remains my Mustang Spirit, my Healing Shaman, my purveyor of knowledge, my Light in the Tunnel.

My stepson: who's uncanny strength in extreme situations is beyond admirable. His life is surrounded with constant challenges, some real and some created unnecessarily for him. I am blown away at how he works through hate to come to a place of love. He disappears for a moment or more but always manages to hang on the the life preserver. He has taught me a lot about love, hate, anger, loss, sadness, frustration, helplessness and confusion. He is my inspiration and driving force. He is my motivator to change that which needs changing. I am thankful for every opportunity that we have together. I am thankful for a boy who loves his daddy even though he is told not to. I am thankful that he loves me even though he's told not to. I am thankful that he remembers the depths of our love. I am thankful for his genuine laugh that lifts my spirits to newer heights each time. I am thankful for his company as there is hardly ever a dull moment. I am thankful for his humor as he sees and experiences life in a different way than most of us. I am thankful for every kiss and every hug. I am thankful for the simple signs of love and the great verbalization's of "I love you."

My husband: who is my world. I cannot say enough about this man. I remember the first time I met him. I remember the first conversation we shared. I remember hearing about his past, his unfortunate luck in relationships, and deep love for his family and children. I remember feeling love for him. He is all my reason to stay motivated. If his son is my motivational fire, my husband is the furnace that keeps the motivation moving strong. I see and live everyday with his struggles. I see him battle and battle and lament over circumstances that are far beyond his control. I see and hear his pain when he become a victim time and time again to words of hate spurned from a black soul. I witness his frustration and let down by a system that is corrupt, overburdened, and in need of overhaul. His patience, love, courage, and bravery never cease to amaze me. I am thankful for his love. I am thankful for having learned more about love through his eyes. I am thankful for his tenacity that often times gets him no where. I am thankful for his endearing love. I am thankful for his kindness. I am thankful for his gifts and knowledge. I am thankful for all that he is. I am thankful for being the recipient of his love. I am thankful that he selected me from all of the fish in the sea.

I suppose gratitude and being thankful are things that are often forgotten about in our hectic society. Too often we breeze through life not actually realizing how we are living in it. I think about the countless number of times I've opened doors for people and not once heard a thank you. I think of times I have seen others do the same thing. I think about times that customers of my husband's never say thank you for the hours of work he has done to remedy their car problems. I think about parents who are rarely thanked by their children, who for some reason or another believe they are entitled to the things they get. I know we also forget to thank ourselves for all the hard work we do: with our jobs, with our families, with our children, for ourselves. So thank you. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a genuine, heart felt "Thank you"

What would the world be like if we all slowed down, showed appreciation and gratitude for our fellow Man, and genuinely loved from the heart. Now that is a thought worth being Thankful for.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Disappointment

I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in individuals with whom I believe can be more than they actually try to be.

One of these individuals with whom I am very close with I see struggle with love. Struggling with understanding what to do when love's definition changes and how that change in definition will impact the reality that has been forged. I find myself frustrated but mostly saddened by this individual. I witness within their relationship, myself: I see my history, my angst, and relive the turbulent roller coaster ride through their words. What saddens me most, fairly recently, was an odd request. It was requested that I not burst the imaginary reality that was created with my terse and unwelcome personal opinion. I respect that my opinion may not be welcomed, let alone when one does not want to hear the Truth. What hurt most was the request to buy into the imagined reality that the relationship is "Good" that there is "nothing" wrong on the surface. I pains me to see the suffering, the tears, the despair. It wrenches my heart each time I hear the sniffles and stifled sobbing. Yet, out of "respect" I continue to keep my mouth shut. Why? Am I no better than everyone else who actually buys the crap? Or am I respectful and tolerant?

I find myself disappointed in various family members who are selfish. Who do not have a single iota of compassion to care for their ailing parents...Rather, they'd prefer to care for a sick dog who isnt even theirs to begin with. I find myself disappointed in the judgment that is cast upon my decision to marry whom I did. I keep asking myself...Why do you even care? They are NO ONE to you? Yet, I still do. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for caring so much about my family.

The main individual I am most disappointed in, is a mother. A mother to my stepson. A woman who I whole-heartedly believe, has the capacity to do good and be a good person. Or perhaps its my belief that all people are good. Or maybe Im just a cynic. Whatever I may be, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that this woman will go to, to deny her child meaningful access to his dad. It has been a very long road and I will not recount the immense past that my husband and his co-parenting partner have had. No. What I am going to share is the current struggles and the path to, what I am calling, "ENLIGHTENMENT".

Since my stepson live 2400 miles away, we thought it would be prudent to have Skype as a form of communication and the court thought so too. So, we have been trying to set this Skype up with this woman since May 2010. Now, what baffles me is the ability to say NO. No, we dont have a webcam, No we dont have internet, No, the webcam you bought doesn't work with my computer, No I will not update my software so that the webcam can work, No I will not buy the software through amazon or ebay to update the computer so that the webcam will work, No I will not allow our son to Skype on my "borrowed" laptop because it is "borrowed"...and the list continues on. Now my husband and I are lucky if the idea of SKYPE is even acknowledged.

Anyways, today it was brought to our attention that this woman has and continues to lie. We discovered that it is well within her ability to allow the child access to Skype via a desktop computer. Originally we were told that the computer she owned was a Mac Mini with a Daewoo Monitor. Come to find out the real truth is that she owns a BRAND SPANKIN' New iMAC with a beautiful 21.5" screen with BUILT-In iSight and microphone. I just about hit the roof when we learned this. And maybe you're wondering, who cares??

Well, this isnt the only thing that has been done to sabotage our connection the child. Like I said, this entry is about disappointment...and yes that is what I am.

Disappointed: In a woman who calls herself a woman of faith, in a woman who considers herself a role-model to children as she is a teacher, in a woman who considers herself the epitome of motherhood despite her obvious efforts of 10+ years to destroy a loving relationship with a father, in a woman who considers herself "tolerant" even though she demonstrates a lack of empathy with no shred of compassion, in a woman who purports to be competent but lacks the self-esteem to make any decision without first running it by her mommy, daddy, or lawyer, in a woman who within her soul has the potential for greatness but has decided to turn her energy over to a dark force.

Im angry...

And yet, I feel pity for her. I feel so sad for her. I wish that I could go up to her and hug her and shake her and say "WAKE UP! DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOURE DOING?" But then again, she'd have to come to grips with the reality that YES...I actually DO EXIST in your child's life. I want nothing more than for this child to have a relationship with everyone who matters. After all, more people means more love for the child. Why put yourself, your own HATE for your ex-husband before your child's inalienable RIGHT to have a loving parent? What I think I find most sad, most disappointing is that this woman goes to bed each and every night believing that they way she navigates through the world is "right."

I believe that she has the capacity to love. Yes, that means LOVING your ex-spouse because he/she is a part of your child that cannot be dissociated. Learning to LOVE your ex's new spouse because they will be a part of your life and your child's life. Learning to LOVE your child by encouraging your child to have a fruitful, meaningful, loving relationship with their parent. Learning to LOVE yourself enough to know you DONT NEED your CHILD to take care of your emotional needs. Learning to LOVE because, as the Beatles said, "Love is all you need."

What a fantasy. I wish I had a magic wand or at least a fairy godmother...

Maybe I ought to reconsider my expectations...

I can't. I know and believe that people have the ability to create a better life, sometimes, we just ignore the opportunities to do so.

Followers