Existentialism: A look into the terror of one's Agency.

Here.
I sit amongst the sounds of nature: perverse, immature, doomed.
Here.
I sit listening to the wispy breaths and gentle taps of the clarinet.
Here.
I sit drowning the thoughts of incompetence and meaninglessness.
Here.

Swollen by innate "virtues" of egos. Swollen by the thoughts of a meaning of something more
Devastated by the hypocrisy of It, of it all.
Distracted by the feelings that, maybe one day, someday, It'll all matter.
Overwhelmed by the reality that It never will.
Tears.

Work. Car. Office. Degree. Marriage. Babies. Friends. Handbags. Shoes. Houses. Work. Work. Work
Definitions of meaning in life: without ever asking why this defines Life? "The Dream" of a perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect job, perfect Life.



Life (n): _________________________________



The stark naked cold realism of the existential world,
Surrounded by people. But yet never really there. Somehow always alone.
"This is my life's greatest calling" they say,
yet when the Great Equalizer comes, what was it for?
That desk in the big office, with windows overlooking the skyline? Words on that business card?

Words. Simple markings that somehow have developed into a system of Greater Meaning. Words.

Silly words that fill the page that fill the mind, that fill the heart
what do THEY even matter?
Determination to fill, to read, to think, to pursue, to motivate, to repeat, to use and feel those words, those indiscriminate markings
Its a masochistic endeavor,
tethered by the mere thought of "Yes" and "No"
For even that, after I have seen my last light
and breathed my last breath, what were THEY for?

Freedom begets a structure within which to confine, that begets isolation and the alarming truth of being Pervasively and utterly Alone, within which one can only see IT all was and is meaningless.

"I think, therefore I am" solidifying the perpetual state of the Great Equalizer
of Freedom, of Isolation, of Meaninglessness
In fact, why have any words
s
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Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned

Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned. 

This word has been used in and out of my vocabulary for many years now, without really dwelling on how "complacent" I truly am with my life. Is it the proper word to describe myself at this current juncture or would another fit more appropriately. 

Upon closer examination I find that I am 'complacent' with my life: I accept that I have made poor decisions in the past but realize that I can learn from them, use them as tools, and pass on knowledge on to other people. I am complacent with my current life success. I am complacent with my relationship: I have learned that he and I will never fully see eye to eye, but we have a deeper more conducive relationship due to openness. As a unit we fail and succeed and I couldn't ask for more. Life isn't perfect, so why should I expect us to be. 

What does it mean to be complacent... 

Reflection upon our country, nay our world's current state allows me to truly ponder the complacency of each individual, each family unit, or conglomerate.
Why does a parent devote so much time into ensuring a child picks up every single piece of trash in the bedroom, but fails to notice that their child is lonely, has no friends, and is on the brink of suicide? Why do families attack each other in times of tribulations, breaking down REAL support systems that should last a lifetime, instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or donning support? 

After observing and living throughout various relationships, and pseudo-friendships, here is what I have deduced: They support you when available, love you when it's convenient, and decide when to be loyal. Okay. I admit its a cynical outlook, but again, I question why anyone would want to be complacent with this type of situations. 

Relationships and friendships, or lack of, have made me aware that becoming vulnerable and open to someone doesn't guarantee their love, support, or lifetime loyalty. The people that you think you know best are the ones that surprise the hell out of you when they turn around and contradict everything they ever preached to you. Maybe I should be a little less complacent about my relationships… 

Friendships, love, families, loyalty, etc are all commodities that I as a human being have grown accustomed to and have taken advantage of. I have learned to see people in different lights, have learned to see the beauty of internal struggle, the courage to fight despite being outnumbered, and have most importantly learned to see life in a subjective lens. Nothing is ever black or white, not even life. We pretend to normalize ourselves by voting one party or another, being vegan or not, being rich or poor, being loved by one or none. 

I guess the real question is can we ever really be complacent? Constant fighting, making up, loving, hating, laughing crying...what makes something in life complacent? 

Am I complacent with myself? For the paradox is, if I were truly complacent with things, why would I be analyzing my thoughts, making little sense of my scatter brained ideas… Do my thoughts even matter? Why should I be concerned with how "unconcerned" I am about life? 

Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned