Disappointment

I find myself disappointed. Disappointed in individuals with whom I believe can be more than they actually try to be.

One of these individuals with whom I am very close with I see struggle with love. Struggling with understanding what to do when love's definition changes and how that change in definition will impact the reality that has been forged. I find myself frustrated but mostly saddened by this individual. I witness within their relationship, myself: I see my history, my angst, and relive the turbulent roller coaster ride through their words. What saddens me most, fairly recently, was an odd request. It was requested that I not burst the imaginary reality that was created with my terse and unwelcome personal opinion. I respect that my opinion may not be welcomed, let alone when one does not want to hear the Truth. What hurt most was the request to buy into the imagined reality that the relationship is "Good" that there is "nothing" wrong on the surface. I pains me to see the suffering, the tears, the despair. It wrenches my heart each time I hear the sniffles and stifled sobbing. Yet, out of "respect" I continue to keep my mouth shut. Why? Am I no better than everyone else who actually buys the crap? Or am I respectful and tolerant?

I find myself disappointed in various family members who are selfish. Who do not have a single iota of compassion to care for their ailing parents...Rather, they'd prefer to care for a sick dog who isnt even theirs to begin with. I find myself disappointed in the judgment that is cast upon my decision to marry whom I did. I keep asking myself...Why do you even care? They are NO ONE to you? Yet, I still do. I guess I'm disappointed in myself for caring so much about my family.

The main individual I am most disappointed in, is a mother. A mother to my stepson. A woman who I whole-heartedly believe, has the capacity to do good and be a good person. Or perhaps its my belief that all people are good. Or maybe Im just a cynic. Whatever I may be, it never ceases to amaze me the lengths that this woman will go to, to deny her child meaningful access to his dad. It has been a very long road and I will not recount the immense past that my husband and his co-parenting partner have had. No. What I am going to share is the current struggles and the path to, what I am calling, "ENLIGHTENMENT".

Since my stepson live 2400 miles away, we thought it would be prudent to have Skype as a form of communication and the court thought so too. So, we have been trying to set this Skype up with this woman since May 2010. Now, what baffles me is the ability to say NO. No, we dont have a webcam, No we dont have internet, No, the webcam you bought doesn't work with my computer, No I will not update my software so that the webcam can work, No I will not buy the software through amazon or ebay to update the computer so that the webcam will work, No I will not allow our son to Skype on my "borrowed" laptop because it is "borrowed"...and the list continues on. Now my husband and I are lucky if the idea of SKYPE is even acknowledged.

Anyways, today it was brought to our attention that this woman has and continues to lie. We discovered that it is well within her ability to allow the child access to Skype via a desktop computer. Originally we were told that the computer she owned was a Mac Mini with a Daewoo Monitor. Come to find out the real truth is that she owns a BRAND SPANKIN' New iMAC with a beautiful 21.5" screen with BUILT-In iSight and microphone. I just about hit the roof when we learned this. And maybe you're wondering, who cares??

Well, this isnt the only thing that has been done to sabotage our connection the child. Like I said, this entry is about disappointment...and yes that is what I am.

Disappointed: In a woman who calls herself a woman of faith, in a woman who considers herself a role-model to children as she is a teacher, in a woman who considers herself the epitome of motherhood despite her obvious efforts of 10+ years to destroy a loving relationship with a father, in a woman who considers herself "tolerant" even though she demonstrates a lack of empathy with no shred of compassion, in a woman who purports to be competent but lacks the self-esteem to make any decision without first running it by her mommy, daddy, or lawyer, in a woman who within her soul has the potential for greatness but has decided to turn her energy over to a dark force.

Im angry...

And yet, I feel pity for her. I feel so sad for her. I wish that I could go up to her and hug her and shake her and say "WAKE UP! DONT YOU SEE WHAT YOURE DOING?" But then again, she'd have to come to grips with the reality that YES...I actually DO EXIST in your child's life. I want nothing more than for this child to have a relationship with everyone who matters. After all, more people means more love for the child. Why put yourself, your own HATE for your ex-husband before your child's inalienable RIGHT to have a loving parent? What I think I find most sad, most disappointing is that this woman goes to bed each and every night believing that they way she navigates through the world is "right."

I believe that she has the capacity to love. Yes, that means LOVING your ex-spouse because he/she is a part of your child that cannot be dissociated. Learning to LOVE your ex's new spouse because they will be a part of your life and your child's life. Learning to LOVE your child by encouraging your child to have a fruitful, meaningful, loving relationship with their parent. Learning to LOVE yourself enough to know you DONT NEED your CHILD to take care of your emotional needs. Learning to LOVE because, as the Beatles said, "Love is all you need."

What a fantasy. I wish I had a magic wand or at least a fairy godmother...

Maybe I ought to reconsider my expectations...

I can't. I know and believe that people have the ability to create a better life, sometimes, we just ignore the opportunities to do so.