The Challenge of Forgiveness: Inspired by Craig Taubaum & Co.

An open call on the High Holy Days,

On an eerily quiet morning, as neighborhood dogs slept and birds kept safely to their nests, a song began in my dreams and carried into my consciousness: “Forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if, you don’t love me anymore.” Don Henley’s 1989 hit coursed through me. Family lore spoke of the power of dreams and lessons attaching themselves to us upon waking, and openness was key to deciphering the code.

Fumbling through the mix of psychology textbooks, clinical progress notes, to-do lists, and gooey substances upon my nightstand I found my iPhone. I was greeted by seven missed messages from a male colleague, whose company I enjoyed fabulously on a number of occasions. His tone was frantic, content angered, and feelings dejected. I couldn’t hide behind the dark curtains of my broken reality anymore. It was time to peel back the layers and reconcile.   

Inhaling, I called and was greeted by silence. When he talked I listened, admitting that the mirror he held to my soul revealed a connoisseur for “The Game.” Begging for vindication, he cut my soul, “Wow. It took you this long?” Click. Pause. Silence. I scarcely see the morning of that bitter sorrow, but from time to time, I hear his virulent malice not granting my release. It’s that moment of wanting release that chains me, shackling me to memories of his charm, wit, celestial balance and life philosophy.

The greatest gift given by growth is awareness. I became astutely aware that I was responsible for forgiving myself. That no words from a man, woman, or even from HaShem would heal me. Forgiveness begins with pure intent, transformation comes through facing fears, and healing starts when we give ourselves permission to do so. Action is required.

            My dear ones, I challenge you to sing, perform, create, write down your trial(s) with forgiveness this year- with yourself, others, or G-d. What holds power over you? What would you need to release it?

Sisterhood Day - A Jewish Retreat

           Historical recordkeeping is astonishing. For example, we could ask the Internet about July 13 and discover global events that transpired. On July 13^th, the original “Hollywoodland” sign was dedicated in 1923, Babe Ruth hit home run #700 in 1934, and Rashi, the prominent Jewish scholar, died in 1105. What history books won’t reflect is the gathering of more than 100 women from 23 different synagogues at the Women of Reform Judaism’s Pacific Area Day on July 13^th, 2014.

            The Sisterhood Day was transcendent. With my “sister”, Deborah Kummerman, we embraced this day of spiritual growth and networking as a holy endeavor given by G-d. We spent time noshing and exploring the newly renovated grounds of Temple Judea. We were familiar with this synagogue, but its trickling water and mosaic glass seemed to glisten differently today. The Genesis of creation, inlaid within twisting stairs lofting towards the heavens, moved us profoundly. The climb reminded us to be grateful, helped us cultivate strength, and prepared our souls to receive Torah.

            Upon entering the sanctuary, we took a moment to pause. We noticed the women: dynamic, regal, and strong. We saw Rabbi Cantor Alison Wissot, a charismatic, passionate woman who brought us through Parsha Mattot. She discussed vows and oaths for women. Here, Rabbi Wissot’s shared her experience with Torah: “We women are powerful yet our voices are not recorded in Torah. But, we are not powerless! We must accept our power and use it as a spiritual connector. Recognize your power. It isn’t good or bad. It’s indiscriminate. We have a ‘choice’ to use power either way”.

            As the day closed, Deborah and I discussed programs that impacted us. We both agreed the entire program was phenomenal, with everyone bringing something unique. But, it was Rabbi Wissot that stood out. We began analyzing how a female Rabbi could impact the shul, female congregants, membership, and relationships with existing Sisterhoods. We examined our vows and choices, questioning if we’re on the leadership path we aspire for.

Are you on your path?

Belonging

It is Sisterhood’s hope that through our Women’s column, you can find a sense of belonging, a place of empathy, of mutual compassion, a home for the Jewish woman’s voice. Life is filled with Light and Shadow, up and downs, faith and disbelief. We hope these words can be a ray of sunshine peeking through the clouds lifting your soul.

The feeling of belonging comes at us like the Viennese Waltz: the glamour of a new place, the graceful couples who seamlessly hold time in their hands and maneuver about each other sweeping from one action to the next without flaw, keeping rhyme and measure in constant balance of the often rapid steps and movements. Anyone can dance, you think. So, it’s your turn. You take a partner’s hand, but realize the timing is too fast, you cannot keep up, so you stumble and fall. Maybe belonging isn’t so easy.

In praising friends who are converting and meeting new members who are exploring their options in the community, I am reminded of the anxiety of “Belonging.” I spoke with a new member whose voice was guarded and who appeared uncomfortable in the space swarming with new faces. We shared mutual anxieties over the language barrier, confusion on the length of the service, fear of the word “Oneg” and what that even meant. We laughed over my initial angst regarding my tattoos that screamed, “Hi. I am NOT a Jew!” Then I was asked, “How did you do it? Find a way to belong?”

The answer came in the form of taking a risk; by getting involved in the community. I found my home in Sisterhood - A woman’s organization at TBI that is united in friendship, compassion, philanthropy, and awareness. In Sisterhood, I discovered an outlet for my inner baker, a home for my philanthropic ideas, a time to explore my spirituality and a tolerant space for my feminist beliefs. I found a piece of myself in my Sisters.

“You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely or isolated from anyone. You belong.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald

© 2014 DNKG Belonging; Originally printed in Kehillah April 2014