Existentialism: A look into the terror of one's Agency.

Here.
I sit amongst the sounds of nature: perverse, immature, doomed.
Here.
I sit listening to the wispy breaths and gentle taps of the clarinet.
Here.
I sit drowning the thoughts of incompetence and meaninglessness.
Here.

Swollen by innate "virtues" of egos. Swollen by the thoughts of a meaning of something more
Devastated by the hypocrisy of It, of it all.
Distracted by the feelings that, maybe one day, someday, It'll all matter.
Overwhelmed by the reality that It never will.
Tears.

Work. Car. Office. Degree. Marriage. Babies. Friends. Handbags. Shoes. Houses. Work. Work. Work
Definitions of meaning in life: without ever asking why this defines Life? "The Dream" of a perfect house, perfect spouse, perfect job, perfect Life.



Life (n): _________________________________



The stark naked cold realism of the existential world,
Surrounded by people. But yet never really there. Somehow always alone.
"This is my life's greatest calling" they say,
yet when the Great Equalizer comes, what was it for?
That desk in the big office, with windows overlooking the skyline? Words on that business card?

Words. Simple markings that somehow have developed into a system of Greater Meaning. Words.

Silly words that fill the page that fill the mind, that fill the heart
what do THEY even matter?
Determination to fill, to read, to think, to pursue, to motivate, to repeat, to use and feel those words, those indiscriminate markings
Its a masochistic endeavor,
tethered by the mere thought of "Yes" and "No"
For even that, after I have seen my last light
and breathed my last breath, what were THEY for?

Freedom begets a structure within which to confine, that begets isolation and the alarming truth of being Pervasively and utterly Alone, within which one can only see IT all was and is meaningless.

"I think, therefore I am" solidifying the perpetual state of the Great Equalizer
of Freedom, of Isolation, of Meaninglessness
In fact, why have any words
s
 p
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   l
    l
         onto
                    this
                               page?

Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned

Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned. 

This word has been used in and out of my vocabulary for many years now, without really dwelling on how "complacent" I truly am with my life. Is it the proper word to describe myself at this current juncture or would another fit more appropriately. 

Upon closer examination I find that I am 'complacent' with my life: I accept that I have made poor decisions in the past but realize that I can learn from them, use them as tools, and pass on knowledge on to other people. I am complacent with my current life success. I am complacent with my relationship: I have learned that he and I will never fully see eye to eye, but we have a deeper more conducive relationship due to openness. As a unit we fail and succeed and I couldn't ask for more. Life isn't perfect, so why should I expect us to be. 

What does it mean to be complacent... 

Reflection upon our country, nay our world's current state allows me to truly ponder the complacency of each individual, each family unit, or conglomerate.
Why does a parent devote so much time into ensuring a child picks up every single piece of trash in the bedroom, but fails to notice that their child is lonely, has no friends, and is on the brink of suicide? Why do families attack each other in times of tribulations, breaking down REAL support systems that should last a lifetime, instead of offering a shoulder to cry on or donning support? 

After observing and living throughout various relationships, and pseudo-friendships, here is what I have deduced: They support you when available, love you when it's convenient, and decide when to be loyal. Okay. I admit its a cynical outlook, but again, I question why anyone would want to be complacent with this type of situations. 

Relationships and friendships, or lack of, have made me aware that becoming vulnerable and open to someone doesn't guarantee their love, support, or lifetime loyalty. The people that you think you know best are the ones that surprise the hell out of you when they turn around and contradict everything they ever preached to you. Maybe I should be a little less complacent about my relationships… 

Friendships, love, families, loyalty, etc are all commodities that I as a human being have grown accustomed to and have taken advantage of. I have learned to see people in different lights, have learned to see the beauty of internal struggle, the courage to fight despite being outnumbered, and have most importantly learned to see life in a subjective lens. Nothing is ever black or white, not even life. We pretend to normalize ourselves by voting one party or another, being vegan or not, being rich or poor, being loved by one or none. 

I guess the real question is can we ever really be complacent? Constant fighting, making up, loving, hating, laughing crying...what makes something in life complacent? 

Am I complacent with myself? For the paradox is, if I were truly complacent with things, why would I be analyzing my thoughts, making little sense of my scatter brained ideas… Do my thoughts even matter? Why should I be concerned with how "unconcerned" I am about life? 

Complacent: (Adj.) Self-satisfied and unconcerned

Attunement

Breathing...

Fumbling for the right song on the iPhone that now functions as an iPod

Balancing the erratic dance I'm forced into by a four-legged partner

Clicking...Searching...Song...Blaring...

Arrogantly I trot around, meandering south towards the Forest floor

ignoring Life that surrounds me

She beckons, "Let go"

I laugh aloud and retort, "I have"

She asks, "Can you please listen to what..."

I raise the volume..."I love this John Mayer song!"

Guitar riffs and cymbals clash

Head bobbing, singing

Dog sniffing every branch, rock, bush, and stump

as if he would be filled with regret if one inch of Forest were missed

"Its so nice to get away and be alone!"

The music of Modernity attempts to drown out, block, numb me to the reality I avoid seeing myself in

I pass the ghostly hollows of the old oak

the lifeless limbs that hang overhead, eerily reaching towards me

as if trying to pluck me up out of the monotony

I stop dead, rigid on the path,

dust consuming me

...Pause Button...

Eyes open, ears open, heart open

Crows Caa, Bees Buzz, Hawks Screech, Squirrels Bark

I suddenly realize, I'm not alone. 

I pause myself. I look around. Present.

The dangers of the green and red leaves scattered along the water's shoulder

are hypnotic in their dance with the wind

Dry branches are devoured by the silky green foliage of the twisted vines

A canopy above me, filled with life in the changing season

Foot prints

Animal Tracks

Bicycle Wheels

hidden, beneath the dirt encrusted around my shoes

KNOCKING. TRICKLE. CHIRPING.

I hear the brook and see that it twists and turns throughout the floor, 

as though begging not to be swallowed up by the Forest herself.

The maze of Oaks, elaborate and dense, cause me to ponder the similarities

between its weaving patterns

and the intricacies of Life, the complexity of being Human, and

one's constant struggle to push towards Acceptance. 

Amidst my quiet solitude and intense reflection

a Doe

symbol of gentleness, listening, grace, balance, freshness, new awakenings

crosses my path.

I acknowledge aloud her presence and feel grateful for the messenger of Light.

I reflect on how many times this day, this week, this month, this year

how easily I took advantage of life's simple pleasures

rather than admiring, respecting, and thanking.

I began to see my life, unfold in front of me, in this natural wonder

The dirt continues to flail around my face

Dog panting as I take in the spiritual awakenings being given

I stop in my track...

Pulled towards the towering Eucalyptus Tree 

that stands naked, vulnerable before me.

I ponder on its current state, as though I were in an art gallery.

I smell its fragrance...intoxicating.

Shards of bark lie twisted, broken, and shattered all around its stong stump

I notice the pale white skin under the warped and weathered rind

I remark, "You're being reborn. Stronger. More beautiful"

Imaging that somehow, hearing my voice

would allow him to gather the strength necessary

to suffer through the Winter

Two steps forward...then two back.

I face my comrade and realize that he and I are on the same path

Compelled that I too must prepare for a rebirth, reawakening, rediscovery

Fear

"I can't do this alone"

Arrogance

"You are not that special. Change is the only constant"

Realization

"The trees change, its leaves change, the brooks course changes, winds change, life changes"

Acceptance

I feel roused by the accutely loud lullaby of the crickets hidden beneath the brush

Their song is comforting in that moment.

I press forward...

The sound seems to follow me. Maybe I'm following the sound. 

The symphony of thought is created by the rise and fall of my chest, the pounding of my heart, the shuffle of my feet, the cling of dog tags, and natures orchestra accompanying me.

Stirred

"Be the woman you've imagined yourself being"

Open

"Be humble, be kinder, ask for forgiveness, give forgiveness, be kind to yourself, love deeper"

Acceptance

"I can do this. I choose to do this"

Attunement

The seasons are changing, the first rain is approaching, cool air, winter's frigid snow

Life is changing, Life's healing rain will fall, broken, wounded, choosing to stand in the downpour

We are at one with each other

Together we change, Together we struggle, Unison

I ignored

But the Forest reminded me

That WE are one

...Press Play...

The Invitation

Was reading through some old posts in a far off distant blog elsewhere...and I found this one to be worth re-publishing


The Invitation


It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. 

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. 

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon, I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow. If you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear or further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance wtith wildness and let the ecstacy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. 

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true, I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy. I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence. 

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, "Yes!" 

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be dont to feed the children. 

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. 

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. 

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. 

-Oriah Mountain Dreamer 

Reason, Season, or a Lifetime

Today was one of mixed emotions....
Sadness, Happiness, Fear, Uncertainty, Love

Sadness because of lost friendships and connections that may tentatively been cut; Happiness that somehow Time or The Universe or God really knows what its doing - timing seems "perfect"; Fear that I'll end up in the same black oblivion of "unemployment" - a shame and embarrassment whose heavy weight never seemed to let up; Uncertainty of the future and its nervous opportunities; Love for people, of a place, and for many things.

A chapter of my life was quickly written and then the book was slammed shut. It seemed as though my life blazed right on through and now I fear the standstill that somehow manages to manifest itself. The old adage of "The Calm before the Storm" percolates in my mind.

I find myself reflecting upon an email that seems to coincide nicely with words from today: "People come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime."

I am morose over the loss I have suffered today, but I think about the unique opportunity that this loss has provided me with. Without this loss, I would not be available to seek out a new and exciting enterprise: one that I have long put on hold. Without this loss, I would not be able to be caregiver to family, mother to a son, research assistant to a system, or a avid-hiker/health nut for my planned, but not yet created child.

The opportunities that lie in waiting are vast: a letter that conveniently shows up after being "lost," a letter that will allow for a transition for a big change, my new enterprise and the time necessary to see it manifest, time to prepare myself, mentally and physically, for the extremes that my body will go through for creating life, and space to reflect and appreciate the relationships I have made.

Whether you are in my life for a "REASON" a "SEASON" or a "LIFETIME" - I am thankful that you allowed me into your life. I am thankful that you heard and listened to me. I am thankful for the lessons you've taught me. I hope that I too, can function in your life as a "REASON" for a "SEASON" or last for a "LIFETIME"

Loving your "enemy" is all about perspective

Sometimes, I despise my gift: One of my therapist's had told me that my "radar of empathy" is both a curse and a blessing. I did not understand the magnitude of her words at that point. However, I have over the last 18 months begun to really see and understand what she meant.

Watching my husband in and out of the court room has made me sick, literally. I have physically felt the stress that he goes through one's body. I have felt his anger and disgust. I have also added my own. I have felt his sadness and hurt when he is refused basic rights by a bitter ex. I can see and feel his love for his child when they spend a few precious moments together. It's at times like these that I most enjoy my radar, but right now the radar has me, well..feeling confused.

I've had the opportunity to be exposed to a woman who has, despite my disdain for her, become my greatest teacher. With her help, I have learned to make my highly sensitive intuition into a machine that is well-oiled, alert, and aware. Over the last 18 months, I have seen her hatred grow and intensify. I have seen her jealousy magnify over the last 4 months. I have experienced her fatigue and seen how it impacts her ability to think and act rationally. I have seen her need for control and felt how inadequate and insecure she must feel deep inside. Along the same lines, I have seen her push and push and push to help compensate for a "problem" that cannot be solved. Most of what I have felt and seen from her is anger and hate. But I recognize that hate and anger are only manifestations of her deep rooted emotions that she dares not free.

I can remember days and nights where I would imagine myself in various scenarios "telling her off". I spent days brainstorming with myself and my closest friends and family in trying to "understand " her. I spent nights consoling my husband over failed attempts to see his child. I spent nights soothing his rage at this woman's inflexibility, irrationality, and decision to hurt the one person they both care about.

The greatest lesson I'd worked on was "caging" her & her negativity all the while hoping that the "mirrors" within the cage would reflect her nastiness: catalyzing change. I can remember the frustration I felt when I first started this exercise. It lasted weeks. But, somehow throughout this whole process I felt my heart begin to soften.

I began to feel pity and sorrow for a woman I at one time could only feel anger for. I began to notice that I could understand her pain and struggle, but it in no means validated her decision to hurt other people; especially a child. I began to see beyond her anger that was directed towards my husband as her own self-loathing: that she hated herself so much that projecting it onto someone else made it easier to deal with. I began to see her jealousy over his remarriage as her not being good enough and of loneliness. I began to see that the anger associated with this jealousy was because she couldn't understand why "he" wouldn't want to make it work with "me"? I could understand how she might feel rejected, even though their marriage was far from good.

Again, this does not excuse her behavior. I merely am accepting that these things maybe a reality for her. So I imagined myself asking her: "Why are you acting like this then? Would it be so bad to admit that you are feeling this way? Why are you afraid to be weak? Vulnerable?" I'd like to do nothing more than hug her and accept her and tell her its OK to be vulnerable.

Having to accept these emotions she projected onto us was difficult. I consider it a life-long process; not just with her but with everyone. However, the most recent news has me at a whole new level. She sent a three lined paragraph to my husband which basically said that her mother had passed away and that she would respond later to the email. My immediate reactions went like this:

1) I watched my husband's response, "Babe, read this email." Facial expressions: uncertain, confused, was he smirking? I couldn't tell. I assumed it was bad news or more verbal assaults so he had to laugh it off, as we usually do.

2) I read the email: My response, "Oh wow. That must be awful. Her grandmother died earlier this year too"

3) I handed the smarten back, looked at my husband and said, "I'll send her a card" to which he gave me a very confused look.

I felt so much sorrow and pain for her. I can appreciate my husband's confusion and questions about why I wanted to send a card, especially for someone who has treated me as though I have never existed, who is vindictive to a parent to their child, and who actively works to destroy a child's relationship with his dad.

But, I felt so sad for her. That's it. I felt her pain. I imagined how I would feel if my mother died. I imagined how it would impact my family, my sister, my relationships...and my heart felt a deep anguish. I felt love for her. I never in my entire life have wanted to reach out to someone so much and give them my love then I do now.

I ask myself why? Why would you want to love a person who's soul is black? Why would you want to love a person who has no intention of loving you back, who only loves what she wants in the odd way that she does? Why put yourself in this position? The truth is that I can understand her as a human being. I may not like the decisions she makes, I may not like her as a mother or as a parent, I know that I do not like the way she talks about my husband or me. But what I can appreciate is her humanity.

It reminded me that while I may think she has some psychological issues that impede her ability to really Love, I can appreciate that struggle. It reminded me that often times we hate that which we do not understand, thereby closing ourselves off. I reminded me that LOVING THY ENEMY is taboo in our culture It reminded me that LIFE IS NOT BLACK AND WHITE. That loving is loving. And in order to know hate one must know love...especially if its for an enemy. Otherwise, it just makes you look ignorant. (Im starting to wonder if Hate is even real? What is it really? Different blog, different time.)

It has also reminded me that life really is a gift and its not to be squandered. As young children we bounce through life imagining that we are invincible, supreme and that we wont get hurt. As time and age makes us wiser, we understand how that idea was just a fantasy. We remember how hurt we can get from heart break, from lost jobs, from children screaming about their own pain, and the loss of loved ones (however that may look). It reminded me that life is so precious. That it really isn't worth going through angry. Sadness and joy will come. I feel that focusing on the happy time will improve our daily lives. Is it screwed up that my dog tried to pull me off my bicycle while chasing a squirrel? Yes. But is it hilarious at the same time? Heck yes!

Learning to love my "enemy," if that's what we are, has been the greatest challenge of my life. But it shouldn't be. After all, we're all human. I have things she can learn from. And I know that she has taught me. I can appreciate that. So am I really loving an "enemy" or is it about loving another human being who is struggling? I'd bet the town that its about the latter one. Even wrapping your mind around the idea of "loving your enemy" is hard. But wrapping your mind around the idea that you are loving another human being who is flawed, selfish, in pain and struggling just like you, is much easier.

I do not know what this pain, this extreme and sudden loss will change for her. If anything. But what I can say is that through this loss, she has taught me to open my heart to her more. I have learned with her help that she is not my enemy, just a person struggling; a person making bad decisions because of the rage she is blinded by; a person who shys away from Love, because of fear that it will make her look weak; a person who is afraid of failure, just like all of us; a person who is so wrapped up in her chaos that she cannot see any light beyond it; I love her because I know what it's like to feel those things. I love her because without my love, she may never know the love she can have. I love her because she brought my stepson into this world. I love her because I choose to. Simply put, I love her because she is human, just like me.

Virgil said it best, "Love Conquers all things, let us too surrender to Love" - Whether she surrenders or not, I offer it. That makes my heart and soul jump for joy. After all, we're all in THIS together.

Thanksgiving and its blessings

This holiday weekend provides us with a chance to sit and think about that which we are thankful for. It is a time of year in which I feel the most compelled to share my love and appreciation to those who are in my life. There are many people that I am thankful for:

My mom: who is ongoing selflessness and courage continues to impress me. She remains the epitome of strength, determination, motherhood, friendship, and love. She continues to be the angel for my family, even in the face of adversity. She musters up the strength to carry on. She really is amazing and deserves this gratitude the most out of any human I know. I am thankful that she is a guiding light. I am thankful for all the tough life lessons she has shared with me, no matter how much I hated it at the time. I am thankful for her honesty. I am thankful for her ability to "let it be" so that I could learn on my own. I am thankful for her listening ear. I am thankful for her companionship. I am thankful that she takes on the "thankless" jobs. I am thankful that she is my mom and not someone elses. I am thankful for her love.

My sister: who despite circumstances that are beyond her control or liking, continues to demonstrate perseverance for the greater cause. She continues to show the world her smile even though times are hard. I am thankful for her cheer. I am thankful for her contagious smile that can make me feel better with just one look. I am thankful for Giggle Fits. I am thankful for her love of life. I am thankful for her ability to confront me when I am wrong, and to do so with couth and love. I am thankful that she is my twin in so many ways and yet different enough to drive me insane. I am thankful for her love. I am thankful that I can call her "sister"

My cousin, Lisa: who has been my guardian angel and shouldered devil all at the same time. I recall younger years when she and I weren't close. I recall feeling disconnected to her but as she matured into a woman our relationship changed. I saw her in a different light. I learned about her. I saw the Shadow that had followed her and her hatred of it. I saw her choice to move beyond that Shadow, even though it still lingers. I learned about her willingness and desire to not be held down by the standards that was she held to. I constantly see her battle with her own demons and the demons of a larger society. I remain amazed at how amazingly she pushes through. She is an inspiration. I am thankful for her insight as it has saved my life time and time again. I am thankful for her wit and charm as it has reminded me of my own. I am thankful for her maturity in other realms of life, as she has remained my closest confidant, tutor, and friend. I am thankful that she understands me, almost better than I understand myself. I am thankful that she mirrors me in so many ways.

My grandparents: who's unending, unconditional love have been a force to combat even the most negative of life experiences. I remember that some of my most cherished memories were spent at their home: every weekend from the time I was 6 until I was 13, where I learned about responsibilities, boundaries, God, and life, Easter Basket hunting, Swimming with loved ones, sleeping in front of Fans during Summer. All Great memories. I see in my grandparents 58 years of Love and Commitment. I am thankful that they can be a model for me. I am thankful for their generosity, as it has kept my family alive and in a home most of my life. I am thankful for their brutal honesty. I am thankful that their love as it continues to get me through the day. I am thankful that they are healthy enough to have seen me grow up, graduate from colleges, and to witness my adult life beginning. I am thankful that they love their family as deeply as they do.

My cousin, Roxanne: who's re-integration into my life has opened up numerous doors for Spiritual and Universal growth. She has opened my eyes to various aspects of life, aspects that I had long buried and forgotten about. She helped unearth my desires, my longings, and truths. She assisted in my redefinition of the "Self" in which I am constantly changing. I am thankful for her knowledge. I am thankful for her insight. I am thankful for her unique perspective on the struggles I go through. I am thankful for her listening ear, open heart, and healing words, as they have sometimes been the only thing that has kept me hanging on during turbulent times. She remains my Mustang Spirit, my Healing Shaman, my purveyor of knowledge, my Light in the Tunnel.

My stepson: who's uncanny strength in extreme situations is beyond admirable. His life is surrounded with constant challenges, some real and some created unnecessarily for him. I am blown away at how he works through hate to come to a place of love. He disappears for a moment or more but always manages to hang on the the life preserver. He has taught me a lot about love, hate, anger, loss, sadness, frustration, helplessness and confusion. He is my inspiration and driving force. He is my motivator to change that which needs changing. I am thankful for every opportunity that we have together. I am thankful for a boy who loves his daddy even though he is told not to. I am thankful that he loves me even though he's told not to. I am thankful that he remembers the depths of our love. I am thankful for his genuine laugh that lifts my spirits to newer heights each time. I am thankful for his company as there is hardly ever a dull moment. I am thankful for his humor as he sees and experiences life in a different way than most of us. I am thankful for every kiss and every hug. I am thankful for the simple signs of love and the great verbalization's of "I love you."

My husband: who is my world. I cannot say enough about this man. I remember the first time I met him. I remember the first conversation we shared. I remember hearing about his past, his unfortunate luck in relationships, and deep love for his family and children. I remember feeling love for him. He is all my reason to stay motivated. If his son is my motivational fire, my husband is the furnace that keeps the motivation moving strong. I see and live everyday with his struggles. I see him battle and battle and lament over circumstances that are far beyond his control. I see and hear his pain when he become a victim time and time again to words of hate spurned from a black soul. I witness his frustration and let down by a system that is corrupt, overburdened, and in need of overhaul. His patience, love, courage, and bravery never cease to amaze me. I am thankful for his love. I am thankful for having learned more about love through his eyes. I am thankful for his tenacity that often times gets him no where. I am thankful for his endearing love. I am thankful for his kindness. I am thankful for his gifts and knowledge. I am thankful for all that he is. I am thankful for being the recipient of his love. I am thankful that he selected me from all of the fish in the sea.

I suppose gratitude and being thankful are things that are often forgotten about in our hectic society. Too often we breeze through life not actually realizing how we are living in it. I think about the countless number of times I've opened doors for people and not once heard a thank you. I think of times I have seen others do the same thing. I think about times that customers of my husband's never say thank you for the hours of work he has done to remedy their car problems. I think about parents who are rarely thanked by their children, who for some reason or another believe they are entitled to the things they get. I know we also forget to thank ourselves for all the hard work we do: with our jobs, with our families, with our children, for ourselves. So thank you. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just a genuine, heart felt "Thank you"

What would the world be like if we all slowed down, showed appreciation and gratitude for our fellow Man, and genuinely loved from the heart. Now that is a thought worth being Thankful for.